


I need my breath back

by Stennerd



Series: You take my breath away [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck is emotionally smart, Buck still loves eddie, Choking, Early Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz Relationship, Eddie Has Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nobody knows this, The team are just protective of Buck, This is after they talk about their "phases" so everyone knows of Eddie's anger, eddie has PTSD, everyone is a little ooc, he's just doesn't know what happened, or why it happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:34:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22172653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stennerd/pseuds/Stennerd
Summary: Eddie has a PTSD induced nightmare. Buck becomes an unintended victim. The team find out and a rift forms. They're surprised at who takes whose side in the matter.****The angsty, alternate version of 'You take my breath away' that some people were asking for.Can be read separately to Part 1
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: You take my breath away [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1593862
Comments: 26
Kudos: 299





	1. I Can't

**Author's Note:**

> This one will probably be shorter than the original, mostly because I haven’t really fleshed it out as much as I did with part 1.  
> The beginning will basically be the same except for the end of this chapter, after that, it'll be quite different.

Buck woke to hands around his throat. He can't breathe. His eyes fly open to find Eddie leaning over him with hands pressing down on his neck. His eyes are dark and unseeing, reliving a memory unknown to anyone but him.

  
"Eddie..." Buck manages to choke out while struggling to pull at his hands. Eddie doesn't move, still trapped in his memory. Buck reaches for his face in desperation, trying to find some purchase, some way to get Eddie off him. He's starting to panic, his vision is blurring with the lack of oxygen. He needed to get Eddie off him now or he'll be choked to death. In a last-ditch effort, Buck manages to get his legs between him and Eddie and pushed hard at his stomach. It somehow manages to work because one second he can't breathe and Eddie is on top of him and the next, Eddie is on the floor and he can get air in his lungs. 

  
Buck gasps in lungfuls of air as his feet carry him to the bathroom away from Eddie. He locks the door behind him and tries to calm his panicked breaths while leaning against the basin. He can't bring himself to look at his reflection. Not yet.

  
Still taking in deep breaths, his panic begins to drain out of him and allows the rest of his senses to return. Eddie's soft knocking is the first thing he notices. "Buck, please.." It's only now that Buck lifts his eyes from the sink and takes in his reflection. His eyes are rimmed red and single tear track marks could be seen trailing down his face. It's then that he lets his focus fall to his neck. It's already darkening and you could just make out the impression of fingers on either side. "Buck, I just need to know that you are okay". 

  
Buck closes his eyes and leans his forehead against the door, taking in a steadying breath before unlocking the door. He steps back and opens his eyes as he allows the door to swing open. Eddie is on the other side, tearstained. He stammers "I..I don't know what happened." Eddie's eyes then fall to Buck's throat and he begins panicking even more. "Oh my god Buck, what have I done," he gasps out, stumbling back. Buck hesitates before stepping forward and catching Eddie's hand before pulling him into a bracing hug. 

  
He holds him for a few moments before pulling away. The sudden urge to leave overwhelms him. “I…uh… I gotta go,” he moves quickly around the room, picking up his clothes strewn around Eddie’s bedroom. He hurriedly puts them on and collects his keys and phone from the bedside table. 

  
“Buck, wait.” Eddie reaches out to him, and Buck pauses closing his eyes as Eddie cups his cheek. He leans into the touch before eyes opening wide in alarm, taking a step back, “I-I can’t,” he says before turning around and walking out the door, leaving Eddie standing in the bedroom, hand still outstretched. 


	2. We’ll figure it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck goes to the only place he can't think of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, laying down the groundwork for the angst that's on its way.

Buck drives around LA aimlessly, not wanting to go back to his own apartment where all he’ll do is think but also unsure of where else he should go. He can’t go to Maddie’s, she’s only just let go of her past with Doug and he can’t bring back those kinds of feelings again. Chim will probably be with Maddie. Maybe Hen? No, she and Karen already have enough to deal with Denny and organising foster kids without him coming by and scaring them.

Eventually, he parks his car only to discover that somehow, he ended up outside Bobby and Athena’s house. He looks at the clock on his dashboard. It’s almost three in the morning. With that revelation, Buck sits in his car deliberating whether being here was a good idea. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t one of his best ideas, but at this point, he wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders.

His feet carry him to the door before he realises it and he knocks on it firmly, wondering whether anyone will actually hear them if they’re asleep. He rubs at his neck gingerly and waits for what he thinks is a reasonable time before turning around, moving back to his car. It’s then the porch light turns on and the front door opens.

“Buck?”

It’s Athena’s voice he hears. “Boy, what are you doing here? it’s three o’clock in the morning.” Buck turns around slowly, wincing at the bright light that now shines above the door. He sees Athena first in the doorway, then Bobby who was standing a pace behind her. Both of their mouths fall open in surprise when they take in his appearance. “My God! What happened to you?”

“I-I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Come here,” Athena reaches out to Buck and pulls him inside, steering him towards the couch and pushing him down into the cushions. Bobby sits next to him while she moves around the kitchen, giving them some space. “Buck… what happened?” Bobby asks softly.

Buck leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees and dropping his head down. He shakes his head unable to speak. Bobby shifts closer, “Buck, we can’t help you if we don’t know what happened.” He stays silent.

“Did you want to talk about it?” Buck shakes his head again.

“Okay then, do you know the person who did this?” He nods his head.

Bobby hums, “Is it someone that we know?” Buck nods his head reluctantly, knowing exactly where this line of questioning was going.

“Do we work with this person?” Buck stiffens before nodding, bracing for the inevitable question. Bobby sighs next to him, sounding as though he already knows the answer to the question he’s about to ask. “Buck? Was it Eddie?”

Buck lets out a heavy sob and falls against Bobby, who startles before wrapping his arms around him. He clings to him as if his life depended on it, tears falling and soaking into Bobby’s shirt. They stay like that for what Buck feels is hours, but really only a few minutes. He pulls away from Bobby, wiping away at his eyes and looks over to Athena, now sitting in a nearby armchair, “Sorry,” he croaks.

“Now listen here, you have no reason to be sorry.” Her eyes stray down to the now purple bruising wrapped around his neck. “I am doing my very best to stay calm right now, but I am this close-” she holds her thumb and finger less than a centimetre apart, “-to going straight over there right now and arresting him for assault.” Buck’s eyes widen in alarm and opens his mouth, but before he can, she holds up her hands in a form of surrender, “But I get the feeling that there is more to the story than that.” 

“Thank you.” Buck lets out a deep breath, “It's not that I don’t _want_ to tell you, the problem is that I don’t _know_ what happened!” He runs his hands through his hair before getting up, pacing the room as he starts to speak, voice rasping. “One minute, we’re just sleeping next to each other. The next thing I know is that I’m woken up to Eddie trying to choke me to death. He said he didn’t know what happened.”

He stops pacing and looks at them, eyes wild. “He wouldn’t do this on purpose, would he? I mean, things have been good. We’re happy, at least I thought we were.”

Bobby and Athena share a look before Bobby gets up and stands in front of Buck, hands planted firmly on his shoulders, “I don’t know. But we’ll figure it out.”

“Bobby, I’m scared.” Bobby pulls him into a gentle embrace. “We’ve got you, Buck. You’re going to be okay.” Athena gets up and pats Buck’s shoulder as she passes, “Now, I’m going to set up the guest room for you. You’re staying here for the rest of the night.”

Buck nods his head in Bobby’s shoulder, thoughts surprisingly wandering to Eddie, wondering how he’s doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will bring the whole team into the situation. It should be done in the next couple of days.
> 
> Thanks for reading xx


	3. Everything is fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is fine, the rest of the team don't agree. Bobby isn't good at making plans when it doesn't involve a call.

“Buck, I thought we already talked about this!”

“No. _You_ talked about this. I listened and then decided to ignore you.” looking slightly smug. He had just arrived for work. Right. On. Time. Bobby raises his eyebrows at this, surprised more than anything that Buck would even want to be working. His attitude appearing completely different to the man that appeared at his doorstep earlier this morning,

Bobby steps around the island bench. “You shouldn’t even be at work today. You went through a _trauma_ last night, I can’t just ignore that!” He looks past Buck’s shoulder and purses his lips. Hen and Chim were just coming up the stairs.

“Woah, what in the world is going on up here? What are you guys arguing about?”

Buck’s whole body stiffens at that and Bobby could see a brief flash of panic cross his face before settling into an easy smile. “Oh, don’t worry about it. Everything is fine.” He turns around to greet the two paramedics, who stop dead in their tracks.

Bobby sees the confusion morph into worry as they take in what they’re seeing and rush in to take a closer look at Buck’s neck. “Oh my God, Buck! What happened?!” Buck brushes off their prodding fingers and steps away from their reach. “Guys, I’m fine, it doesn’t even hurt anymore.”

Hen puts her hands on her hips. “That does not look fine to me. It looks like the opposite of fine.”

Bobby sighs before turning his attention back to the coffee, letting the argument wash over him. This was the same discussion they had this morning before their shift. He had hoped that Buck would heed his advice and not come into work today. He had wanted to deal with Eddie without him around and cause undue stress among the team. Luckily for Buck but unlucky for him, Bobby hadn’t gotten around to calling in a last-minute replacement to take his place.

Chim interrupts his musing “So, what actually happened?” He looks up to see Buck heading for the stairs, saying something along the lines of going for a workout.

“He didn’t tell you?” he asks in surprise.

Hen frowns, “No? weren’t you listening?”

Bobby rubs at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, “Sorry, guess I’m a bit preoccupied this morning.”

Chim sits down at the island bench, reaching for the mug of coffee that Bobby just poured. “Soooo Cap, are you going to tell us? Cause you know we’re not going to leave this alone until we find out.”

Bobby knows he shouldn’t tell them, that its Buck’s story to tell. But he’s worried about the kid, acting as though nothing had happened. Maybe Hen and Chim will be able to talk some sense into him. He runs his hand down his face, making his decision.

“It was Eddie.” He says reluctantly, “Buck came to our place last night in tears. Apparently, Eddie tried to choke him in the middle of the night while they were sleeping.”

Hen joins them at the kitchen bench. “Wait, so you’re telling me that, Eddie, the guy who just two weeks ago was in an underground fight club because of his anger, tried to _kill_ Buck? And you’re letting them both work today!?”

“Yes and No. I told Buck he shouldn’t come to work today, and I was planning on assessing Eddie when he came in this morning.”

Hen gives him a look, “Bobby, you do realise how stupid that sounds, right?”

“Now that I’ve said it out loud, yeah…not my best idea.”

Chim raises his hand, getting the attention of them both, “Also, just going to point this out. Buck just went downstairs to the gym. Eddie is probably already here getting dressed in the locker room. Should they really be alone together right now?”

Bobby startles at this, realising the implication of what might happen. As if a starting gun was just fired, all three of them rush downstairs together, coffee left to cool on the bench. Thankfully, their fear was unfounded. Buck was already in his workout gear, on the treadmill in the back corner and Eddie looked like he’d just finished getting dressed for the day, both seemingly unaware of each other’s presence.

Bobby released a sigh of relief. “How about you guys grab Buck after his workout and do some truck inventory and maintenance.” They looked at him questioningly, knowing very well that inventory would have already been done before the previous team finished their shift. He cut a look at both of them before gesturing in the direction of the lockers. Their realisation is almost instantaneous, and they nod at him before heading in the direction of the gym.

It doesn’t go unnoticed by Bobby that they blatantly stare in Eddie’s direction as they pass by the locker room, which surprisingly goes unnoticed. Bobby takes a grounding breath in an attempt to quell any prejudice against the man before knocking on the glass. “Diaz, give me a hand in the kitchen?”

“Uhh, yeah Cap. I’ll be there in a minute.” Bobby sees a small frown fall on Eddie’s face before heading back upstairs to clean up the now cold coffee that was left abandoned. Eddie joins him not soon after, asking where he wants him.

“We’re going to prep some cold salad for lunch, so just pull out everything on the bottom shelf and we can get started.” Bobby nods towards the knife and chopping board he’d placed out and started preparing the lettuce. Eddie does as he’s asked, pulling out some tomatoes and starts cutting them up into wedges in silence while Bobby chopped the lettuce.

Standing side by side, Bobby’s gaze kept gravitating towards Eddie, trying to assess the man as a whole. He didn’t seem quite like himself, but he also didn’t seem too obviously affected by last night’s incident, more contemplative if anything. And that kind of bugged Bobby, knowing that he needs to be impartial to both sides of the story. Against his better judgment, he can’t quite shake the simmering anger on Buck’s behalf.

“What?”

“Hmm?”

Eddie sighs and puts down the knife before turning to Bobby, searching his face. From here, Bobby could see the shadows under his eyes that were not there the day before, nor was the redness in his eyes. Eddie must have gotten the answer he was looking for because the next thing Bobby sees is a wave of regret pass across Eddie’s features.

“Buck told you, didn’t he? He told you what happened last night.” Bobby opened his mouth to respond but the alarm interrupts what he was going to say. As they run to the fireman poles and head to the trucks he tells Eddie that they’ll talk when they get back. 

Unfortunately for them, they never get the chance to talk for the rest of the day. Maybe if they did, the sequence of events on this call might have turned out very differently. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a busy couple of days between this chapter and the last. This one had me stuck for a while, figuring out how to keep the scene moving so it took a lot more time than I originally planned.
> 
> I’ve mapped out the rest of the story and am working on the next chapter at the moment, so it’ll probably be a few days in between updates.


	4. Did you say sorry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just need to listen to the advice of an 8-year-old.

He can’t sleep.

He’s been sitting on the bed, in the dark, staring at his hands for the past two hours, trying to figure out what happened. How could he have done this to someone that he loved? Buck is never going to forgive him for this, he nearly killed him! What is he going to tell Christopher? Oh, God! He has to tell Christopher! Buck was going to stay the night and now he’s gone, and Christopher is going to ask questions. How is he going to tell him the Buck won’t be coming over ever again? Because of him.

Eddie groans and flops back on the bed, hands covering his face. Before he realises it, tears start rolling down the sides of his face. He hates this. He hates that he has no control over this. He hates that Afghanistan turned him into this person. He hates the fact that he _chose_ that life and now it has ruined the best thing that has happened to him since his son was born. Most of all, he hates himself because he was finally happy, and he just destroyed it.

He rolls over and looks at the time on his phone. It’s just before 5. He scrolls through his contacts and finds Bobby’s name. His thumb hovering over the call button, trying to decide if he should call in sick. No, if he did that then he’ll just be stuck at home doing nothing but thinking while Christopher was at school. At least he can use work as a distraction. He goes to throw his phone on the bed, but Buck’s name catches his eye.

A small smile finds his lips, as he remembers when Buck added the hearts to the end of his name. He so badly wants to call him, to hear his voice. Before he knows it, the phone is ringing, hope pumping in is veins. Unsurprisingly, Buck doesn’t pick up. Eddie lets out a sigh and drops his phone on the bed before grabbing a towel for a shower. If he can’t sleep, he might as well get his day started.

After having the longest shower he’s had in a while, in an attempt to wash away the feelings and the memories, Eddie checks on Chris.

“Morning, buddy. Time to get ready for school.” He says as he swings the door open.

Chris lifts his head, “Morning! Is Bucky making pancakes for breakfast like he promised?”

Damn.

Eddie goes to sit on the end of the bed. “Uh, no buddy. Something came up and your Buck had to leave last night. I’m not sure when he’ll be back here.”

“Oh, okay.”

And that was it. No questions. His son seemed content with his answer. Or at least he thought that was the end of it. They were in the car on the way to school when Christopher brought it up again.

“Daddy? Is Bucky okay?”

Eddie peers into the rear-view mirror. “Why do you ask bud?”

“I woke up last night when I heard a bang. And then Bucky left really fast. He looked like he was crying.”

Eddie turns his attention back to the road. “Oh, um. Well, I had a bad dream and I accidentally hurt Buck while we were sleeping. And he just needed some time to himself.”

“Did you say sorry? You always make me say sorry if I hurt someone by mistake. And then you make us hug.”

“I haven’t yet.”

“You should do that.” Eddie pulls into the school drop off zone and puts the truck into park. He helps Christopher out of the back seat and kneels in front of him.

“I promise I will.”

Christopher gives him a hug and whispers in his ear. “Love you, daddy.”

“Love you too, Superman.”

He watches Christopher for a moment before hopping back in the truck, a new sense of purpose about him as he heads to work.

***

The reality of last night set back in as soon as he stepped into the firehouse. From afar, he could see Buck leaving the locker room in his workout clothes. Even from this distance, the stark shadows of bruising clearly standing out around his neck.

Eddie is surprised more than anything that Buck even came to work. But then again, he probably shouldn’t be here either, so he can’t judge. He heads to the locker room, deciding to try and catch Buck alone after getting dressed. He never got the chance. As he put his bag in his locker, he could feel eyes on him and out of the corner of his eye Eddie managed to catch the frosty glares of Hen and Chim as they walked past.

“Diaz, give me a hand in the kitchen?”

Diaz? Cap never calls me that off calls, Eddie thinks before replying, “Uhh, yeah Cap. I’ll be there in a minute.”

A sense of unease falls over Eddie as he makes his way upstairs to help Bobby in the kitchen. This is usually Buck’s job he thinks as he grabs the tomatoes from the bottom shelf of the fridge. It's only after what feels like the tenth glance from Bobby that Eddie throws caution to the wind and lets out a frustrated “What?”

Bobby doesn’t give much of a reply and Eddie turns to really look at him. There’s tension in his body that he never usually has in the kitchen. It's only when he looks him in the eye and sees the dark intensity does he realise what this charade was all about. “Buck told you, didn’t he? He told you what happened last night.” The apologetic expression on Bobby’s face was all he needed to confirm it.

Before they could talk more on the matter. The alarm takes their attention and they immediately head to the trucks with a promise to talk later. At least he’ll be able to see Buck in the truck on their way to the call.

Almost predictably, Bobby takes even that saving grace from him, instead directing Buck to take the driver’s seat. Now Eddie is stuck in the back trying to avoid eye contact with Chim, who seems set on making this the most uncomfortable trip he’s ever been on.

He breathed out a sigh of relief when they make it to the fire, thankful to be out of the truck. It’s a small hotel complex fire, and it seemed to be going up in flames much faster than expected, considering that there should be a sprinkler system in place.

Bobby starts calling out the plan, “Chim and Buck, take the ladder to the roof and start venting.” Eddie startles at the light shoulder check he gets from Buck before he watches his usual partner runs off away from him to reposition the ladder truck.

“Diaz, you and Cooper start clearing out the building, there are still 2 families unaccounted for, both on the first floor. Go quickly, we’re not sure how long it’ll be stable.”

“On it, Cap.”

They both grab their oxygen packs and head into the building, Cooper leading the way upstairs. They start breaching the doors one by one.

“LAFD, call out!”

They find the first family almost immediately, hiding in the bathroom. A mother and two small kids. Cooper supported the mother, practically carrying her downstairs while Eddie carried both kids, one on each hip. They bring them over to the ambulance before heading back inside for the second family. The building starts to groan from the stress of the flames and small bits of ceiling start to fall.

They hasten their search, eventually finding them in the second last hotel room. Cooper discovers the man passed out in his bedroom, not far from the door. He gets a mask on the Dad who stirs enough to murmur something about his daughter. Cooper pulls him up on his shoulders and hovers in the living room by the door.

Eddie shouts to him, “Go! I’ll keep looking.”

“We should stay together!”

“Just go! I’ll be right behind you.” Eddie watches him leave before continuing to search for the girl. He finds her hidden in the closet, unconscious and barely breathing. He quickly places a mask over her face and lifts her into his arms. Cooper was already out of sight when Eddie made it into the hallway.

He had just made it to the top of the stairs when he heard loud cracking from the ceiling and had just enough time to cover the little girl before chunks of it fell. He could feel it hit the back of his head and shoulder, knocking him to his knees. The last thing he sees is his helmet rolling on the carpet before his eyes fall shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be a Buck and Eddie perspectives chapter, but I decided to split them because it started getting too long for my liking.  
> Next chapter is nearly finished, so it should be up in the next day or so


	5. Where's Eddie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck doesn't like being separated from his partner. The team are just trying to be helpful in their own way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been writing these last few chapters at night, so they might not be as coherent as I think they are...

Buck could tell something was up the minute Hen and Chim came to interrupt his workout. They had that look in their eye. He’s just not sure how well it's going to go for him.

“Bobby wants us to do some pre-shift checklists.”

Buck presses the pause button on the treadmill and puts his feet to the sides. He wipes his face with a towel, confused by the request. “Uhh, okay? Let me get changed.”

It doesn’t take him long, but when he comes back out to find them, they’re just waiting by the door having a near-silent argument.

“What’s up with you guys? You’re kinda freaking me out.”

Hen makes a face, “What’s up with us? What’s up with you? You’re acting as if nothing has happened Buck. We are worried about you.”

Buck huffs, realising he’s just stepped into an ambush, “We aren’t doing checklists, are we?”

Chim chimes in, “Nope, we are going to talk.” Buck walks over and sits on the end of the truck accepting his fate. He gestures for them to continue.

“Buck, how are you really doing? Physically and you know-,” Chim taps his head, “-mentally.”

Buck leans his head back until it hits the truck and looks up at the ceiling. From this angle, he could just see half of Eddie and Bobby’s heads from the kitchen.

“Physically, it looks a lot worse than it actually is. Seriously, my throat is a lot better than it was after it happened, it only hurts a little to talk. Mentally, I’m obviously not 100%. I’ve had a _lot_ of time to think about everything last night and I’m dealing with it, but right now I just need some time out of my head. Work does that for me. Can I just have that? Please?”

They share a look but don’t get a chance to answer. The alarm sends them all to their turnout gear before running to the trucks. However, even in the rush, it doesn’t escape his notice the intense glares both Hen and Chim were shooting at Eddie, and he doesn’t like what he’s seeing. Not one bit. He doesn’t understand why none of them get what’s really going on. Buck goes to jump in the back of the truck, intending on sitting next to Eddie, when Bobby pulls him aside and sends him to be the driver. He gives Bobby a look but doesn’t argue and heads to the front. 

When they arrive at the scene, Buck gets a brief chance to brush shoulders with Eddie in an attempt to reassure him before being sent with Chimney to vent the roof. He likes Chim, he really does but he’s already getting tired of being forced apart from his partner. knows deep down that they are trying to look out for them and avoid conflict at work by keeping them apart. But he and Eddie know how to keep their work and personal lives separate, especially on a call.

He and Chim make quick work of venting the roof and head back down to see if their assistance is needed to help clear the building. Buck heads to stand by Bobby, while Chim goes to assist Hen, who has the first family that Cooper and Eddie rescued. It’s then that Cooper appears through the door with a man slung across his shoulders. Buck goes to help him lay the man on the ground, while still looking towards the door, waiting for Eddie to make his appearance.

“Where’s Eddie?” he says, turning his attention to Cooper, staring intensely.

“I don’t know, he said he was right behind me.”

Buck looks over his shoulder at Bobby in panic, “Cap!”

Bobby tugs on his radio, “Diaz, do you copy?” All they get is silence. “Firefighter Diaz, please respond.” Still no answer.

That’s all the excuse that Buck needed. He takes off towards the truck and grabs an oxygen pack before sprinting towards the building, ignoring the Captain’s shouts telling him to come back. He was not going to leave his partner in a fire by himself.

The intensity of the flames and the smoke hit him as soon as crossed the threshold. Immediately Buck pulled on the oxygen mask, thankful that he had the forethought to get one. He does a quick survey of the ground floor just in case Eddie made it down or fell through the first floor. After that, he makes for the stairs.

The smoke becomes increasingly thick as Buck took the flight of stairs to the next floor. The visibility was so bad he almost tripped over Eddie’s fallen helmet. Heart beating erratically after realising what he was seeing, fear sparks in his chest over what he might find, he leaves it discarded on the floor and quickly falls to his hands and knees, feeling for Eddie, knowing he must be close by. After what felt like an eternity, Buck’s hand knocks into his shoulder.

Frantically, he crawls closer to find the man unconscious, curled up protectively around a little girl. “come on, come on, come on,” Buck mutters to himself as he traces his hands over Eddie, searching for signs of life. Eddie’s uncovered face was coated in soot and Buck could see some blood trailing from the back of his head, but thankfully he could still see Eddie’s breaths fog up his mask. Buck turned his attention to the little girl and also found small puffs of air fogging up her mask.

He reaches for his radio, speaking quickly, “Cap, I found him. He unconscious but breathing. Get Hen ready, we’ve got a little girl, also unconscious and breathing.” He ignores any follow-up questions and instead focuses his efforts on getting them both down the stairs without making any unknown injuries worse.

In the end, the best course of action was to get them outside as quickly as possible, regardless of injury, which meant using the stairs. Eddie’s arms were still firmly wrapped around the child, so Buck decided to let him carry her, while he carried Eddie.

“Come on, Eds now is not the time to be slacking off. I need you to wake up.”

Buck rolls him onto his back, being mindful of the oxygen tank and hooks his arms under Eddie’s armpits. Now comes the hard part. Carefully he takes the stairs backward while holding Eddie up and letting his feet trail on the stairs as they go down. Neither of them stirs as each step sends a jolt all the way up Eddie’s body. Eventually, he manages to drag them both outside to the fresh team of waiting paramedics.

It’s not until Buck sees Eddie being rushed into an ambulance does he collapse to his knees, all the emotions that he was holding, bursting out in heaving sobs. What if he doesn’t make it? He should have been with him. What if he got to him too late? Who is going to tell Christopher? Oh God! Christopher! A hand breaks through his spiraling thoughts and Buck leans into it, knowing who it would be.

“He’s a fighter, he’ll be okay.”

Buck quickly wipes at his eyes, tears already drying up as he calms down, and accepts the hand Bobby offers to pull him back to his feet. “Thanks, Cap.”

“I know that you want to go to the hospital right now, but right now we have to finish this job.” Buck looks longingly in the direction the ambulance went before nodding resolutely at Bobby and goes to help with the hoses. He just hopes that they can get this done as quickly as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me and reading up until this point.
> 
> One more chapter to go! A much-needed conversation will be had with the team.


	6. A proper talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as the chapter title suggests. The team finally gets around to having a long-overdue talk. Buck finally gets to be alone with Eddie after the 'incident'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, this last one is the longest chapter. I was going to split it into two parts but I really just wanted to put it all out there.  
> Happy reading!

Buck was alone at the hospital. As soon as they made it back to the firehouse, he booked it out of there, still in his turnout pants and smelling of smoke. He’d been waiting at the hospital for a little over 2 hours. And so far, the doctors hadn’t been able to tell him much, except that Eddie was still unconscious and they were going to run some tests to find out why he hasn’t woken up yet.

Pepa had been with him for most of this time but someone had to go get Christopher from school and Buck couldn’t bring himself to move further than the waiting room. Pepa understood and gave him a swift kiss on the cheek before making him promise to call if anything changes.

Bobby called sometime after that, letting him know that the Chief allowed the squad the rest of the day off so that they could join him. Buck was thankful for the incoming company, however, what he was not expecting was an angry Maddie Buckley leading the crew.

“Buck! Chim told me everything that happened. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” She drags him into a fierce hug. Buck startles at first before folding his arms around her. He looks over the top of her head and glares at Chimney, who sheepishly shrugged his shoulders mouthing, “Sorry.”

Maddie pulls back and holds him out at arms-length, tears in her eyes as she takes in his face and neck, she lightly traces the bruises with her fingertips. He gently grabs her hands and holds them to his chest, “Maddie. I swear, it’s not what you think.”

She must hear something in his voice because the fight drains out of her and she leans in closer speaking softly, “Then tell me what it really is, please, because this is exactly the kind of thing I used to say when I was with Doug. I- I don’t want that for you.” 

He pulls her back in for a more gentle hug, speaking into her hair, “I promise you, Eddie is nothing like Doug.” He beckons everyone closer, who at this point had been hovering nearby, not wanting to interrupt. 

He gestures for everyone to take a seat, and does so himself, “I think we need to have a proper talk.” After saying this he falls silent, trying to find the best way to address everything that has happened up to this point. Eventually, he begins with a statement.

“Nothing about what happened last night was Eddie’s fault.”

Chim frowned at this, confused, “But didn’t literally try to kill you?”

“Yes, he did, just not on purpose. I would have thought Bobby that would have mentioned the fact that we were sleeping at the time when he told you guys what happened. But knowing you guys, you just focused on the fact that I got hurt.” Buck looks to Bobby who nods in confirmation.

“I know you guys go into protective mode whenever something happens to me,” Chim opens his mouth in protest, but Buck interrupts him with a finger, “Don’t think I didn’t notice that you purposefully separated us today. Or the glares and the awkward silence in the back of the rig today.”

Hen leans forward at this, “Buck honey, we were just trying to look out for you.” 

“I get that and appreciate it but with all of you trying to help me, did you even consider that Eddie needed help too? Couldn’t you see that he was hurting? Maybe not physically, but emotionally? I saw it as soon as he walked in to work this morning.”

Buck continues, “Bobby, I realise that you were probably working your way to figuring out the whole picture when you had him up in the kitchen with you,” Bobby nods his head slightly, understanding what Buck is talking about. “But I think in this case, if we had the team meeting that I suggested before we came to work, none of this-” he gestures around him, “would have happened. It’s one of the reasons why I _wanted_ to come into work today.”

Maddie, Hen, and Chimney still looked confused. In the end, it was Maddie who broached the question, “Okay, maybe I’m missing something here. What do you mean by ‘the whole picture’?”

Buck gets up and starts pacing, “I know we haven’t talked much about it at work, but you guys do remember that Eddie was in the army before this don’t you? He did two tours in Afghanistan and earned a silver star. Even though he hasn’t said otherwise, you don’t think that his time there might have affected him in some way. I had a lot of time to think about this when I couldn’t sleep last night. That despite how terrified I was when it happened, I couldn’t help but think later on that it couldn’t be half as bad as what might be going on inside his head right now.”

He looks around at his team, all three of them had their heads bowed looking appropriately chastised. Buck falls back into a chair, suddenly tired, “He needs love and support right now, and I fully intend to give that to him. I would really appreciate it if you helped me.”

He smiles brightly as they each in turn nod resolutely, looking determined to make things right.

“Family of Edmundo Diaz?”

They all stand up as a group, looking at the doctor with hope in their eyes. Buck steps forward, “How is he?”

“He’s stable but has not yet regained consciousness. Aside from the bruising on his shoulder, the injury to the back of his head is our biggest concern. We took him for a head CT and it showed some brain swelling. For now, we are going to monitor him closely, and hope that the swelling goes down by itself. When this happens, he should wake up.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“We’ll have to wait and see, but if the swelling doesn’t go down on its own, we will have to take him to surgery to help relieve the pressure.”

Buck thanks the doctor and excuses himself, stepping away from everyone to call Pepa with an update. She answers quickly, and he tells her the news. She gratefully thanks him and says a quick prayer, ending the call saying that they’re not far from the hospital.

He re-joins the group, suddenly feeling lost, not knowing exactly where to go from here. Bobby notices this and steps forward.

“They have him settled in a room if you wanted to go see him.”

Buck smiles at him, “Yeah, that would be good.” Bobby nods and leads them down the hall to the room indicated by the doctor. Eddie had been cleaned up since the last time he saw him, Buck could almost pretend that he was sleeping peacefully had it not been for the bandage wrapped around his head as a reminder of why they were there. Buck pauses in the doorway taking it all in before Bobby gives him a gentle nudge and Buck goes to his bedside, taking Eddie’s hand in his.

* * * * * *

Eddie dreams.

Unfortunately for him, if he’s triggered by something during the day, it almost always manifests as the same memory in his dreams. It’s a time from his first convoy mission in Afghanistan. They were driving through a small shanty town in a small convoy of two trucks. Every day he wished that they went around.

The leading truck must have driven over an IED that was planted in the middle of the town. There was an explosion, and once the dust settled, Eddie could see that the truck was on its side, the front half of it destroyed. That is when they come under fire. Eddie and the three other team members from his truck swiftly move as one, making quick work of clearing the area of the small group of insurgents.

After securing the area, Eddie, as the only medic from the second truck, searches for survivors. Just like it happened the first time, Eddie finds Garrett and Johnson, thrown from the vehicle. Neither had survived the explosion. He moves on to look for Harrison, already knowing what he’s going to find. He finds him inside the back of the vehicle, slightly buried beneath loose equipment. Harrison was this vehicle’s medic and was often Eddie’s partner in the field. Eddie moved quickly hoping to find him alive. He was relieved to discover him still conscious, bleeding heavily from a shrapnel wound just below his ear.

Before Eddie got the chance to attempt to stop the bleeding, more gunfire broke out. It only lasted a few minutes before everything fell silent. Eddie sat crouched, one hand pressing Harrison’s over his wound, gesturing for him to stay quiet. He heard footsteps move closer to the back of their vehicle and he could just see their boots through the material. They were not army-issued boots, he pulls his sidearm from its holster. Eddie coils all his power into his legs and launches forward, emerging through the canvas and tackling the man to the ground. He managed to wrestle the machine gun out of his grip but also lost his own gun in the struggle. Inevitably, with only his hands as his last defense, he manages to get his hands around the man’s neck.

Usually, at this point Eddie wakes up from his memory in a cold sweat and breathing heavily, not wanting to fully remember the up close sensation of taking a person’s life. However, this time he doesn’t wake up, at least not before the memory changes, combining his sleeping memory with what he was actually seeing. The man beneath him was no longer an insurgent soldier, instead morphing into a familiar face. One that usually sported a sweet smile but was instead showing panic and fear. It was Buck. The man that he was now choking was Buck.

The dread he felt in that moment froze his movements, giving the man below him a chance to push him away and onto the floor. His awareness comes back to him. Was he still dreaming? Eddie knows that this incident had already happened. He knows that he and Buck both went to work that day. And then they were called to a hotel fire. But for some reason, he can’t seem to remember past carrying the small child.

He feels as if he’s frozen in time, stuck in this moment. Sitting on the floor of his bedroom with Buck in his bathroom. As he sits there, unable to move forward with the rest of this memory, his hand begins to feel warm. Almost as though someone was holding it, but he couldn’t see anyone. He could feel the same sensation on his cheek. Whispers could be heard, swirling around him but Eddie couldn’t find the source. It sounded like someone was speaking right next to him, but he couldn’t seem to make out the words. He gets up and looks around the room, searching for the person speaking, eyes eventually falling on the bathroom door. A white light glowed behind it, much brighter than it usually does. The whispers grow louder as he steps closer to the door. With his hand on the door handle, Eddie could just hear the words, “I love you Eds. Please come back to me.”

He opens the door smiling, stepping into the white light.

* * * * * *

Buck had been sitting at Eddie’s bedside for 2 days, non-stop. Everyone had done their best trying to convince him that he should go home and rest. But he remained steadfast in his vigil, especially after the doctor had told him that swelling in Eddie’s head was slowly going down on its own.

Maddie had managed to convince him, at the very least, to have a shower and change out of his work clothes. But aside from that, he barely left his bedside. He didn’t have an appetite and he’s been living off hospital coffee, unwilling to sleep. He tried the first night, but he just kept reliving the memory of the previous night every time he closed his eyes.

He knows that he should hate or be scared of Eddie for what he did, and he is deep down, but at this very moment all he’s feeling is worried and tired. And there is only one person that he wants to be comforted by, but he’s lying in a hospital bed, unconscious.

He walks around the room, trying to get some feeling back in his legs before retaking the seat that had been pulled up next to the bed. He holds Eddie’s hand in his own and caresses his cheek with the other, speaking the same words that he’s said on repeat for the last two days.

“Come on Eddie. I need you to wake up. I know that you want your beauty sleep right now, but I can’t stand this silence. I need to talk to you, and to hold you and kiss you until I can’t breathe anymore.” Almost on a whim, with his eyes closed, he adds, “I love you Eds. Please come back to me.

Buck opens his eyes to find soft brown ones peering back at him.

“Buck?”

Tears spring to his eyes, almost not believing what he is seeing, “Eddie? You’re awake?”

“Yeah,” he whispers. Buck searches his eyes before pressing a kiss to Eddie’s forehead. “Let me go get the doctor.”

He comes back a few moments later with the doctor. She explains everything that had happened after he had fallen unconscious, telling him that he had been asleep for 2 days. After that she promises to come back to check on him later, giving the men their privacy.

Eddie was sitting more upright now, and he looks over to Buck who was still standing by his bedside, holding his hand. “So… two days, huh?”

“Two incredibly long days,” replied Buck, smiling softly down at Eddie.

Eddie could see the exhaustion behind the smile and the shadows under his eyes. He shuffles over in the bed and pats the area that he just freed up. “Come here.”

Buck scrunches his nose in confusion but does as he’s asked, tentatively perching himself on the bed. Eddie rolls his eyes before getting hold of Buck’s shirt and gently pulling him down next to him.

Buck gets the idea and toes off his shoes before readjusting his position so he’s lying on his side facing him, head tucked in his neck. Eddie gives him a kiss on the head and starts running his fingers through Buck’s hair. “Get some rest.” He whispers.

“I don’t think I can.”

“Okay then, how about we talk, and you rest your eyes while we do it.”

“I like that idea.”

Eddie chuckles, “So this is what it takes for me to actually get some time to talk with you alone.”

“Don’t push it, Eds,” Buck mumbles into his chest.

“Okay, okay. How about this. I’m sorry, Evan. I didn’t get a chance to say it before but I’m so sorry for what I did to you.”

Buck wraps his arm around Eddie’s waist and pulls him in closer. “It’s okay, I forgave you the moment I saw you come in to work.”

They talk like that for a while, chatting quietly back and forth about everything and nothing. Eventually, they both become quiet, running out of things to say. Eddie keeps running his finger through Buck’s hair, thinking that maybe he might have finally fallen asleep. He himself was starting to doze when Buck’s voice breaks the silence.

“I think that I might need to start seeing a therapist. I haven’t been able to sleep properly since it happened.” Eddie sighs, looking up at the ceiling.

Buck pats him on the chest, getting his attention, “Before you even think about blaming yourself, maybe you should consider coming with me. We could do couple’s counseling if that would make it easier.”

Eddie turns his head and looks softly at Buck’s face before peering down to see a small patch of bruising. “For you, I’ll do anything.” He gently presses a kiss to Buck’s lips and snuggles in a little closer.

That is how the team finds them, Buck wrapped around Eddie with his eyes closed, looking content and Eddie happily passing his fingers through Buck’s hair. Bobby clears his throat, and Eddie looks up at them, slightly wary and unsure of what they’re feeling towards him right now.

“Hey, guys.” A second, quieter greeting comes from Buck a moment later. They enter the room and Hen gives them both a smile, “Glad to finally see you awake.”

Bobby steps forward, closer to the bed, “How are you doing, Eddie?”

“As well as I can be at the moment.” He looks back at Buck, a smile on his lips.

“That’s good, we just thought we should come by and check on you guys on our way home from the station, but it doesn’t look like you need us here right now.”

It’s Buck who replies to this, eyes now open. “Thanks guys, we really appreciate it.” Buck gives them a grateful smile and a small nod, acknowledging what they weren’t saying. They were putting in the effort, just like he asked, and it was greatly appreciated.

They bid their farewells each giving Eddie a light pat on the arm, ensuring that he knew that they were happy to see that he was okay. Relieved, Eddie smiles at each of them and thanks them for stopping by to check on them. They leave quietly, and the room becomes quiet once again.

This time its Eddie who breaks the silence, “I heard you, you know.” Buck hums in response.

“Just before I woke up, I heard you. You said that you loved me.”

Buck shifts so that he’s up on his elbow, now hovering above Eddie. “Is that okay?”

“It’s just, it’s the first time one of us has said it, and I wasn’t actually awake for it.”

Buck leans closer and whispers, “Did you want me to say it again? Because in case you were wondering, I love you, Eddie Diaz.”

“I’m glad I wasn’t dreaming it after all because I love you too.” Buck’s face lights up before he closes the gap between their lips and kisses Eddie tenderly before lying his head back down on Eddie’s chest, listening to his heartbeat.

They still have a lot to get through before everything goes back to the way it used to be, but in this moment, everything was alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, and that is the end of that. Thank you all for coming along this journey with me. 
> 
> There may or may not be a small recovery epilogue in the works that should cover the endings of both parts one and two.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading xx


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